Should myself wife help our daughter husband out financially?
February 19th, 2010 | 
Author: Free at last asked:
Back Ground: She is 25 years old and got married two years ago. We put her through school paid 100% of their wedding and even gave them as a wedding present of 2 weeks in Hawaii for a wedding present. I like her husband kinda he always has a few smart things to say to us…on their wedding night he told me (while driving to them to the airport) that he wouldn’t be making the mistakes I made in life…I still don’t know what mistakes he is talking about to this day. But over all we have a good relationship with the both of them…and I love my daughter very, very, much!
The Problem:
They both work, my daughter in the medical field…but 5 Months ago her husband got a DUI and can’t work in his chosen field and has been forced to take a very low-paying job part-time (25-30 hrs a week). In reality their income has been cut by 60%.
Their Situation: They are expecting a baby in January ‘09, they came over last night and laid-out the situation. They are 3 Months behind on the house payment, 19K in credit card debt and getting deeper every Month, electric, phone, water all are past due, two car payments that are two months behind….around $1200 to bring them up to date.
Possible solutions:
(A) Ignore them and say………good luck kids!
(B) Make them a loan of $35K with a strick re-payment plan.
(C) Just give them the $35K-$40K and say….we love you and God Bless!
What would you vote for A, B or plan C
(Note:) My wife is 100% in favor of just giving them whatever they need to take the heat off of them….and NO pay-back. I’m on the fence, I’m am leaning torward just giving them the money.
We can very easily afford this….we wouldn’t even feel or miss the 40K that is not an issue.
thanks for your advice
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Must be nice to have a family.
Anyways, I would go with B. And I would require them to submit a plan of action that states exactly what they are doing to improve their situation as well.
Besides, if you just give them the money, what happens next time they are in need? If they pay it back, you’ll have it to help them out again.
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wow…no lesson learned…they need to learn responsibilty…giveing them 40k now means you will do it later…there has to be some repayment or something to teach them a lesson.
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have them pay back half/
your daughter needs to learn she cant depend on mommy and daddy her whole life.
her husband should be taking care of her. not you!
but i mean you could take the money she uses to pay you back on something for her… or something.
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My wife and I are living this nightmare right now. Our kids are not on the same level but still similar problems. We started by helping financially and soon they came to expect. Now they live with us and have pretty much taken over the house. We recently decided that they go by the end of January. It simply doesn’t matter to me anymore whether they can afford to or not. We tried to help and they abused us. Now they can do it alone. I will help them pack however.
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How about (D) they moved into a place they can afford, drive lower end cars, and if you pay for anything, send him to trade school and make it so he can support his family. Tell him to join the army. Then he will have a job.
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If you have that kind of money that you won’t miss 35 or 40 K, then what’s the issue? Give ‘em the money. Not alot of people have that advantage in life.
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I go with B. Even though you might be able to afford it,you are not in a position to allow them to lose their sense of responsibility. If they know they have to pay it back they will remain responsible for themselves.
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B they need to learn and be responsible for their own debt. Otherwise they will never learn and they will keep coming back to you everytime till you tell them the bank is closed. They know what money is coming in and need to budget for that.
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If you give them whatever they need now and don’t expect a pay back then that will just bring more issues later on. They could continue on creating more debts and burdens for themselves and whenever they need a way out they go to their bank, their solution which is you and your wife. Your daughter is an adult, has a family of her own. Her financial woes should be between her and her husband. There’s nothing wrong to ask for help, just not 100% help because it isn’t fair that others have to fix their problems. Some problems could have been prevented, so they need to take care of those by themselves.
I would probably help out with the necessities such as house payment and stuff for the baby. There should be some type of re-payment plan and it all should be done properly with signatures and have it notarized. Family are the worst blood money suckers because they feel co-dependent on them for money when they need help. They got themselves in this whole… they didn’t pay for their wedding but they are in credit card debt $19K, that is outrageous, 2 car payments and a house payment? Come on! I guess no one was really planning correctly when it comes to all their finances and what they were able to afford at that time.
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Dog Lover, why not get them to act responsible and repay their loans like the rest of society. Sad that this young guy made that remark to you, someday you should inquire what the hell he was talking about. However; it does sound like you and your wife have been very supportive financially and continue to be, whether or not this is a positive thing will be told in years to come I suppose. But if things are that tight for them they most certainly do not to have two cars and/or car payments. They can get rid of one of these vehicles for a start. They can then contact their financial institutions and inform them that things are getting pretty tight and try and negotiate a better interest rate and/or some type of payment plan. Let them do most of the footwork before bailing them out again. Once the child comes along naturally you two are going to want to spoil the little guy/gal a bit, but not to the point where they also haven’t any responsibility financially. You are speaking of two adults here and not two kids. There are many financial planners and/or counseling services available to people today who are in trouble financially and I am sorry but I believe it would be a very wise learning experience for your daughter and her husband to have to turn there for assistance rather than to you folks once again. Best of lucl.
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B say god bless and put the money they pay you in the babys
new account.It
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the more you give the more they will depend on you for money. make a loan but i would never just give. we draw up a contract with payment plans. they have to stand on there owen 2 feet. it was his fault he got a dui. let him get 2 jobs. they need to throw away the credit cards also.i guess i would go with [B]
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You have to teach the husband a lesson, even though you love your daughter…make it a loan…or at least some form of payback or control. The more you give them, the more they will want…it will be unending…and you know it. He screwed up and you have to pay…sounds like AIG
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Looking at your situation and not knowing you, I can only make a guess that you and your wife are considered wealthy and have probably spoiled your daughter rotten materially. She has grown up with everything she ever wanted She still wants that lifestyle but can’t afford it unless she skips the house payment, car payment, utility payments and credit card payments. Or, she pays for her lifestyle by putting it on the credit card which is why in two short years she and hubby have managed to put nearly $20,000 on the card. If you bail them out, all you will be doing is making the way clear for them to start the process all over again. In two more years, the credit card will be maxed out, the car payments will be overdue, utility company threatening to shut everything off and they’ll have another mouth to feed as well. And they will use that baby every time they get in a fix and you as the grandparents will always come through for them because of the baby. You are not doing them any favors by bailing them out. Think of them as though they are the Big 3 American Auto Companies. They’ve misused their money and now expect Dad to bail them out. Allow your daughter and son to experience the consequences of their overspending. They won’t be the first Americans to lose their home to foreclosure. They can rent an apartment. You need to sit down with the two of them and look at their bills and bank statements in order to find out where all the money is going. They could get help from a credit consolidation company or file bankruptcy. Do not bail them out. They will learn nothing from this. If their child needs food, diapers, clothing, then help them with that, but don’t invest in their problems. They made them; let them fix them.
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D !!!
Enabling behavior on the part of parent(s) only damages the adult children; it does not help.
Family discussion/meeting needed here.
Find out (any way you can) how they incurred the credit card debt.
Too late to worry about their mortgage, they will be forclosed very soon (probably after the utilities are shut off).
Also find out why they didn’t see this coming and move to a place they could afford.
This will be EXTREMELY difficult, but put your foot down about his drinking. Because of his history (that part you know about) he must be made to realilze that he drinks nothing today and for a very long time, or you take daughter and child in and put him out.
I know it sounds harsh and even unsympathetic, but look at it this way:
1. How will he/they learn if you keep giving as you have in the past?
2. How will you feel when he drives under the influence and injures or kills your daughter and grandchild.
Time for tough love.
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you need to tell them that if you give them the money either
a. this is the last time you will give it to them without any reprocutions.. and mean it
b give them some of the money and let them pay the rest off
c give them all the money they owe but make them pay either half one fourth or all of it back to you within a few years when they are safley out of debt and had their baby.
DO NOT just give them the money they will keep coming to you for everything and that is just ridiculous. they will not learn anything and will keep crawling back to you everytime they are having money troubles and learn nothing and do nothing about it themselves. do not let this happen for your sake for theirs and for their new babies.
lending the money this time would be a nice move for you to since you can afford it and it is very sweet that youd like to help them out without them paying you back but make sure you do one of the choices i gave you because i really belive they will do it again if you dont.
good luck!!
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My husband and I are in the same situation. Our son lost his job and can’t find another. He is not able to pay his mortgage or pay his bills. We have been paying all the bills for a couple of months. I am keeping track of what he owes us. He has put his house up for sale, but nothing seems to be selling right now.
I would love to be able to go with plan C, however I don’t have that much money, so for me plan B. I could never turn my back on either of my kids, so plan A would never be an option.
Good luck with your decision.
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Got the same situation myself….almost exactly except the figure is about half of what you stated.
For my wife and I (we started real slow money wise) we got help from our parents like twice to a total of about 1k. It was given and not paid back (till now with helping her mom) so we consider all this.
My thoughts are whatever amount you give don’t expect it back.
Totally sweeping away all there problems will not help in the long run.
work with them on a month by month basis to get them back up to speed.
If you wipe their butts now you will likely half to do it again.
You might just help them enough to help themselves.
Good luck. Hey, To me it doesn’t matter how much you have it’s yours not anyone else’s. Just because we have it doesn’t mean we have to give it away.
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Curious question for someone that can afford to give up 40K, makes me wonder if you earned your wealth, or if someone gave it to you?
Giving that type of money with out condition is not a good idea. You noted in your question that the son-in-law has or had a DUI issue, so there’s a responsibility or accountability concern here, especially since it affected his life style (loss of better paying job).
Give them the entire 40K (because you can afford it), but layout an interest free payback. While offering the loan ask them to show their debt and explain how they plan on resolving the existing credit and loan problems. You will be doing them a favor by insisting they have a plan for correcting the situation and payback.
Assuming they begin a payback plan for the 40K, you need to take the regular monthly payments and invest. Once the investment matches the 40K originally loaned ask your daughter and son-in-law if they want the money or keep the investment going.
The method I described will accomplish a lesson learned and provide a safeguard for the unseen consequences. And, if you and your wife could possibly keep this a secret and not tell the kids what you are doing it will be a very nice surprise gift a couple of years from now.
You and your wife sound like extremely well meaning people, however just giving the kids the money won’t accomplish anything and will support the idea that Mom and Dad will give us the money, is that how you want the kids to think? I don’t think so and I know you want to help them. The plan will help them help themselves, making the two of you good parents. Good luck and send my fee to any charity that helps children.
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Well……I always say there is a fine line between helping your kids out and giving them hand outs. Your son in law should of thought of the consequences of drinking and driving=d that is no ones fault but his. I think you should have them pay at least half back…. This way they learn, if not your going to be bringing them up to date FOREVER. Let them be grown ups and pull their own weight. I know she is your daughter and you think you are helping her but sometimes you are hurting them and yourself more then helping. Your Son in law might juts get lazy and say screw it why work when the FIL can just bail us out….. You sound like a kind person but don’t let your kindness be taken for weakness…….Good luck.
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If you can afford then you should help them.
BUT! Such a help can have negative effects on their personalities. So help them that way they also feel that now things are worse then was before. So less luxury, less expensive car, etc..But you helped them to keep their head above the water lever. I find very important that you should consider that they can get into even deeper troubles (e.g. a serious illness, etc) , so it is a wastage to spend all your money now, just to keep their life standard, and you will not able to help them in the deeper crisis. I advice you to consider all of these points and fit them to your financial security/force.
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D) – at least make them pay back half. Its great that you are in the position to be able to help out you daughter and her new family, but they also need to learn responsibility, and living within their means. If you loan them this money with no payback they will not learn and they will repeat thier mistake and know that they can just come to you to bail them out. Which is what family is for, but you should not be taken advantage of. They need to get thier own life together without you funding it all. You will not always be able to be there for them, so dont you want to be confident in the fact that they can do it on thier own. It was not your fault he got the D.U.I. Maybe down the line when they get it all together you can tell them to forget about the loan, but initially I think they need to think its a loan so that they can gain some responsibility.